Official Fanfiction University: Portal: The 4th Millennium Edition
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise: While the ATIC is trying to teach some people something that is virtually unteachable, the twenty S***b players gather for an ultimate meetup. Warning: Includes insulting parodies and serious injuries.
1. OFU No 1

**_Official Fanfiction University: Portal: The 4th Millennium Edition_**

_Perhaps the first OFU made by the creator of the original works_

* * *

><p>The Alternate Timeline Warweary Serket (and never Crocker) looked over the room. Like many others, it was a classroom in Serketpolės High-Tech Gymnasium, numbered 337. It once belonged to his Lithuanian teacher, his classmates, and one <em>hell<em> of mixed (but mostly terrible and hence suppressed) memories. He couldn't start to speak of the abuse of the classmates and the apathy of the school staff, and how he would not be listened to. There were some moments that could be well-remembered, like the Battles of Minds, but not much else, as everything else was terrible and couldn't be fixed.

But today, the 1st of January, 2015c, this would all be forgotten. Now he would be the teacher, and his students would be hurt psychically, and if needed, physically. And there would be no rules to adhere, except the "you will learn or you will die" rule.

He turned on the sound recorder on the teacher's computer, and started speaking. No one would initially hear him, but the recording would become legendary.

"In 2011, Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise got four fan fictions of its own:"

As he said that, he picked up a marker and wrote "Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise" on the top of the blackboard in his hardly readable handwritten letters. He underlined said words, wrote the numbers "Era I: 2008 12 24 - 2011 11 17" and drew three arrows out of the underline.

"TEEN FORTRESS 2," he both said and wrote under one of the arrows, and drew another arrow out of it.

"its fan story Portla 3," he wrote under this newly drawn arrow,

"The Inevitable Sunset: An Impossible Continuation and Official Fanfiction University - Aperture Science Fanfiction Enrichment Seminar." Both again were depicted on the diagram.

In the free space, the Warweary Serket drew four circles in a nice row in the free space. He then proceeded to mark one fourth of the first circles with stripes.

"In 25% of these fan fictions, the villain gets a happy ending."

He then marked a half of the second circle in a similar way.

"50% of the works foolishly misrepresent the Business Magnet's identity."

The third circle had one fourth of it left uncolored, and the rest colored.

"75% of the writings give the source works negative publicity."

And he colored the fourth circle in its entirety.

"And 100% of the people who wrote these fan fictions probably don't even know what Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise _is_."

He then rest his marker on the words "Official Fanfiction University".

"And that's what I'm going to do. Gather the authors, in the style of Miss Sandman's Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth, and, more notably, this idiotic author's excuse to write even fairly good fanfic writers OOC, and get some learning done. Through pain. And it will be fun."

Just then, the Warweary Serket heard the door opening, and stopped the recording. Looking at the door, he saw his wife Vriska, and no, that wasn't a random human female who renamed herself "Vriska Serket" out of huge fandom for Andrew Hussie and MS Paint Adventures, that was the real deal, being raised in a planet in a galaxy 2.5 million light-years away and playing a reality-manipulating game with her eleven friends and ending up stashing the Milky Way in a very precise way which led to Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise which then was proceeded to be fucked up by a certain half-world ruler and re-made into The Corrupted Timeline which makes its years preceded with a "c" and which features this very certain 99.9% canon character.

And then something happened with people not talking:

- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling alterntetimeline Warwearyserket [AW] -

AG: Got anything to say?  
>AW: No<br>AW: Especially not if you say one of your eights  
>AW: Now, I'm disappointed that you walked in at all<br>AG: Why should you 8e?  
>AW: Don't ask me<br>AW: Whatever  
>AW: Out<br>AG: Okaaaaaaaay, if you say so... ... ..

- alterntetimeline Warwearyserket [AW] ceased being trolled by arachnidsGrip [AG] -

And then Vriska walked out, and everything went back to the "normal" state of "I will get revenge".

"Let's have a conversation that will make more effect on the future."

The new teacher then took a cool and awesome mobile phone that was obviously alchemized through the processes of Sburb 1.0 and dialed the Aperture Science Chronological Accuracy Department.

"Hello? I need to bring four people into this classroom, 337 of Serketpolės High-Tech Gymnasium, January 1, 2015. Said people are: MarissaTheWriter, Arrow-Awesome, irenicPie and katzsoa. Okay? Bye."

And meanwhile, in the aerial territory of City of Serketpolė, a Pyralspite-like car with a coolkid and a blind alien girl inside flew through and attempted a land.

* * *

><p><em>Author's idiotisms: Basically, this will be two stories one on top of another: the OFU and the meetup. You can follow whichever one you want, or both of them, or none of them.<em>

_Post-Emptive Author's Idiotisms: Note this chapter was revised on February 25, 2012._


	2. Rose, Kanaya and Skepkitty

Skepkitty looked over at her blog, The Half-World. Being set up in 2011, now it had gotten to an absolutely preposterous amount of 500 MSTs and her Twitter account had several thousand followers. Oh man, what was it to be popular.

_As if anyone cared._

She wrote these MSTs just for fun and no one was going to stop her. Not even the equally snarky Rose "tentacleTherapist" Lalonde, with which Skepkitty had lived for quite a time.

Speaking of her...

This notebook, which she claims to have written, seemed like someone tried to write Twilight for wizards, and wrapped it in a tight ball of words straight from a thesaurus.

It absolutely needed MSTing.

She selected the option of writing a new blog post, and started writing.

* * *

><p><em>Horrible Fanfiction #413: Complacency of the Learned, <em>_a mythological wizard fanfic_

I've got so much to tell you. I found this notebook somewhere in my household and turns out it's ridiculous, just as the rest of this house. It almost seems every single Lalonde household in the universe has to be that ridiculous. There is a pink ghostly cat with tentacles hung up on the mausoleum, which the snarky bitch (not that I mind snarky bitches, like GLaDOS) tells is the remains of her cat "Jaspers", resurrected via Sburb. (Man, Sburb is becoming the next big thing. The business idiocy, whose fics I was sporking before, made an "extended" version and claims to have prototyped GLaDOS and sent to "Land of The Fake Community-Made", whatever that is. I need to photoshop GLaDOS so that she looks like a kernelsprite one day.)

Okay, it's time for less business idiocy, and more WIZARD IDIOCY. (Wow. Think of something better.)

And preemptively, I don't know if I will return with The Co-op Bots or not. Honestly, the guy is writing fics faster than I can MST them, so I think it's best that others finish my job, and do it in a group, like Telltale Fanfic Theater 3000.

**Frigglish bothered his beard, as if unkinking a hitch in a long silk windsock.**

And, wonderfully enough, I need a thesaurus for the first sentence.

kink (plural kinks)  
>n. 1) A tight curl, twist, or bend in a length of thin material, hair etc.<p>

**A more pedestrian audience would parse the exhibit as nervous compulsion.**

No, if I was messing with my own beard it wouldn't be nervous "compulsion".

It's almost like my roommate is telling me- hold on, do men ever even touch beards?

* * *

><p>Just as that, someone bothered her beard- <em>women do not have beards.<em>

- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -

GA: Hello  
>GA: Any Of The Roses<br>GA: Respond  
>TT: I'm afraid Rose isn't here.<br>GA: Then Who Am I Talking With  
>TT: Skepkitty from The Half-World.<br>TT: And you are one of my uncountable fans, are you?  
>GA: Never Heard Of The Half World<br>TT: I see.  
>TT: Because several thousand humans like you are falling for my incredible ability to reduce fanfiction to utter pieces of shit, and their authors to tears.<br>GA: Excuse Me But I Am Not A Human  
>TT: Great.<br>TT: My popularity is now inter-stellar.  
>TT: Way to go, Skepkitty.<br>GA: And I Am Not The Same As You Either  
>TT: That was the point.<br>TT: I was referring to myself.  
>GA: I Guess I Need To Get Used To The Human Slang<br>GA: I Need To Get Used To Everything Human  
>GA: And That Is Taking Like Two Solar Sweeps<br>TT: A solar sweep being?  
>GA: Two Of Your Earth Years<br>TT: So you were getting used to our stuff for four years.  
>TT: Coincidentally, about the same time The Half-World existed.<br>TT: If you ask me, incredibly long for something Internet-based.  
>GA: Okay Rose<br>TT: I'm not Rose.  
>TT: I couldn't be as snarky as Rose - or GLaDOS - if I tried.<br>TT: I'm doing my best though.  
>GA: Whos Glados<br>TT: The overly sarcastic artificial intelligence from a video game.  
>GA: That Is Going To Take A Long Time If I Want To Examine Her Thoroughly<br>TT: Okay, here's the deal:  
>TT: Since you wanted to pester Rose, and she is not here,<br>TT: Your point is over.  
>TT: Goodbye.<br>GA: Goodbye

- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased being trolled by grimAuxiliatrix [GA] -

And just as that, someone ELSE was bothering her nonexistent beard. (Note: pull this off into a meme.)

- iamnotAmarysue [IA] began pestering deadpanSnarker [DS] -

Read a note on another computer.

Skepkitty wasn't even at her own computer. That explained a lot of stuff. Like that this computer had Mac OS X installed.

She copied her MST to a file, sent it to her Dropbox folder, deleted it from Rose's computer and went on to answer the other botherer.

IA: - MARRISSA MODE CURRENTLY: OFF -  
>DS: Good.<br>IA: I'll be brief  
>IA: The warweary idiocy locked me away in what appears to be his school<br>IA: And is now teaching Portal: The 4th Bunch of Nonsense  
>DS: Seems like a reasonable move to him.<br>DS: That is to say, if that thing were teachable at all.  
>DS: Which it isn't.<br>IA: No time  
>IA: Bye<p>

- iamnotAmarysue [IA] ceased pestering deadpanSnarker [DS] -

* * *

><p>And there was Rose Lalonde, looking extremely fucking hot.<p>

She read through the log. Someone else was being highly inane and using her Pesterchum account.

And she doubted the culprit was Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer, who was her new pet because Jaspers was so busted.

* * *

><p><em>Author's idiotisms: For crazy WMGers, I and Skepkitty aren't the same person either. (How would Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise WMG page look like by 2015?)<em>


	3. OFU No 2

The Warweary Serket watched as, moments after his call, his alternate timeline self brought four rebellious people into his location, and then walked out. He then heard a sound of the door locking.

_There was no escape._

Jumping from the third floor into the winter of Lithu- er, _City of Serketpolė_ wouldn't be a solution, and would likely result in a painful death, and since he owned the place, medical assistance wouldn't come.

He looked back at the whiteboard and erased everything except for the words "Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise".

"What was that?" asked one of the curious voices.

"A map of this entire class", responded the Warweary.

He then required some attention.

"Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise. What do these words remind you of?"

Freelance Plot Protector Katz was the first to answer.

"A bunch of nonsense written by an immature kid from a country that doesn't exist?"

The Warweary walked up to Katz.

"I swear, I will bring an alternate timeline version of you into this classroom, and kill her as everyone is watching."

"You're still an immature kid from a country that doesn't exist."

"No, I and my lovely spider wife are the owners of City of Serketpolė..."

"I thought your wife was GLaDOS?"

"That is alternate timeline me. And I - this timeline me - could throw an entire building at you if I wished to. Any other responses?"

"You're so cruel," Insane Guy of Doom thought he could have these words come out of his mouth.

"Precisely! Uncontrollable cruelty," replied the Warweary, proceeded back to the whiteboard and added a bullet point reading "cruelty". "Anything else?"

"You were featured in Marrissa's stories," answered Arrow-Awesome. That received another bullet point.

"A lot of weird time shit," said irenicPie, and watched as her response was also depicted.

Other fragmented sentences that had the honor of being written on the whiteboard included "Internet era", "Portal mods" and "a hell of a lot writing", among many others.

"Well, that is a whole bunch of stuff that should get you a general idea," said the Warweary finishing the thought rain that had started. "But general idea isn't enough if you want to write fanfics."

"We want to write fanfics based on your work?" snarked Katz.

"You already did. That's why you're here."

"You applied yourself," Katz replied and pulled off a paper that could be called her prized possession, which then she gave to the Warweary.

"This just... I can't... absolutely needs word-by-word commentary." And the teacher started reading the paper.

"Okay, here's you- er, me- You know what this is? A paper that has been written onto by some guy. That's what it is. Name... Lithu- _City of Serketpolian_-"

"Is "Serketpolian" even a word?"

"Is "Contine" a proper English name? Whatever. ...always go by pseudonym Aperture Science Business Magnet, that is to say, Alternate Timeline Warweary Serket, because the idea that I ever named myself "Aperture Science Business Magnet" is completely reckless and foolhardy and I'd never give the foolish notion a second thought."

"Sounds more like Alternate Timeline Integral Circuit."

"Imagine I called her amicableCake. Age - 15- excuse me. I am EIGHTEEN. I am not a person like Jane Crocker who is stuck permanently at one age for several billion years."

"Jane's arc was there for only _three _years. Learn to respect canon."

"I can write my stories however I want, and no one is forbidding me. I'm just creating an alternate universe and no one is blaming me. It's _you_ who have to work on canon respect because _you_ are trying to write Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise fics seriously and fail miserably."

"You don't seem that open to fanwork."

"This lesson is me trying to teach you some _respect!_ It isn't even about Portal: The 4th Millennium or anything, for Android Hell's sake!"

"No, it's a random guy who I have suspicions on his identity being so cruel and-"

The Warweary then pulled out his phone again, and made a call.

"Hello? Aperture Science Chronological Accuracy Department?"

Just as that, Freelance Plot Protector Katz walked up to the Warweary and kicked him in the gut so hard he was catapulted into his chair and seriously injured.

Instead of speaking, he started writing in his own blood on the nearby wall: "You still can't escape".

Katz then hurried to the door, but realized it was locked. She then thought of escaping through the window, but realized that wouldn't work either.

Katz then returned to her seat, knowing that she was simply _forced_ to tend to this, and watched as the whiteboard started showing color, and flicked to show a Windows XP operating system and Notepad turned on, with text slowly being written as the Warweary would now die without medical assistance.

_Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise is a byproduct of Valve Software's Portal and Andrew Hussie's MS Paint Adventures. However, during the years, it has found its way to be independent from both of these no seriously someone call Vriska right now_

And the rest then watched as they were stuck with a dying guy who had forced them into this eternal nightmare.

_Whoever this "Vriska" was, the four needed to turn her to their side and make her unlock the door, preferably within a day, but several months would also suffice._


	4. Dave, Terezi and Vriska

TG: oh man alien girl look at this stupid stuff  
>TG: "serketpoles high-tech gymnasium"<br>TG: with a stupid dot that doesnt do anything  
>GC: S3RK3TPOL3S<br>GC: OBV1OUSLY TH1S STUFF B3LONGS TO VR1SK4 DO3SNT IT  
>TG: that girl who is a nic cage fangirl<br>GC: Y3S TH4T ON3  
>GC: HOLD ON<p>

- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -

- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] -

GC: S1NC3 WH3N D1D YOU OWN 4 SCHOOL :?  
>AG: You mean that round oooooooobject?<br>GC: Y3S PR3C1S3LY TH4T ON3  
>AG: That's the name of the city, dum8 pir8.<br>GC: 1TS PYROP3 YOU DUMB C1RCU1T! ! ! ! ! ! ! !  
>AG: If you're seeing the sign, you should know it's Serket.<br>AG: 8ut since there are 8 exclam8ion marks, I'll let that pass.  
>GC: !<br>GC: YOU DONT D3S3RV3 8  
>GC: ALL YOUV3 B33N W4NT1NG 1S 8 T1M3S 8 T1M3S 8<br>AG: Times 8 times 8 times 8 times 8 times 8.  
>AG: Here, now it's 8 to the 8th power.<br>GC: WH1CH 1S :?  
>AG: 16777216.<br>GC: D4MM1T  
>GC: WHO 4R3 YOU 1N TH1S L1F3<br>GC: 4 M4TH3M4T1C14N?  
>AG: A math nerd's wife.<br>GC: 4ND H3 SOM3HOW L3T YOU 4SC3ND TO POW3R  
>GC: US1NG H1S COOL M4THS<br>AG: Using his cool a8use of maths.  
>AG: He somehow made 2.22222222e99 units of Fruit Gushers in error, and hence we got to defeat the Com8ines.<br>GC: CLOS3 3NOUGH  
>GC: OK4Y WH3R3 4R3 YOU<br>AG: Where are YOU? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?  
>AG: In that stupid flying car?<br>GC: WHY Y3S OF COURS3  
>GC: D4V3 1S NOW L4ND1NG<br>AG: Perfect.  
>AG: Okay, 8ye, see you in real life.<p>

- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] -

Vriska sighed, and walked inside Serketpolės High-Tech Gymnasium again so that she could participate in the highly rumored reuniting of the Scourge Sisters.

* * *

><p><em>Author's idiotisms: Bleh. I promise the next chapter will be longer and will be about how Jane has been living.<em>


	5. Jane and her Dad

_Author's idiotisms: For this chapter I originally had written the sentence "As such, on the fateful day of April 13, 2014c, the day Jane finally ascended, front pages of respectable newspapers such as Aperture Chronicles were riddled with articles contemplating Jane's complicated familial situation which were longer than Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time." But then one of my parts was like "SHOW DON'T TELL" so I decided to publish this instead._

* * *

><p>THE CROCKER-EGBERT FAMILY APARTMENT, MAPLE VALLEY, WASHINGTON, USA - APRIL 13, 2014c - An anonymous person only going by the nickname "pipefan1111" today was forced to acknowledge that his daughter, Jane Crocker, more well-known by her online handle gutsyGumshoe, today officially turned 18 and hence inherited the multiglobal Betty Crocker franchise (no pun intended).<p>

In his confession, pipefan1111 said that he never regarded Jane as a mature woman and the troublesome events that he went through in late 2011, involving an exploding mailbox, a robot bunny and a reality-altering game led to him going undercover and being forced to lie that he never had a daughter to escape any legal action. Jane's room itself was sealed completely inside the house, and air can only enter through the roof. Out of the doors, only one was left, leading from Jane's room to the bathroom, and the bathroom was always tracked with security cameras to ensure Jane would never try to escape.

When asked to comment the situation, pipefan1111 said this on Serious Business: "I was forced, because the BC Corp terms said so. I still regret ever having a daughter, and if a time ever comes when the time machine is invented, I will go back in time and prevent these messy issues from ever happening."

The Betty Crocker brand was founded as a part of General Mills in late 19th century. It separated into its own company in 1943, coincidentally with Aperture Science and Black Mesa, and since then gradually expanded to other planets supporting life and now the Baroness's products can be bought within 100 million light-years.


	6. Jade and Jake

Jade Harley was once again in less-wonderful-than-usual dream world.

It wasn't Prospit, nor it was the dream bubbles glubbed by monsters that resembled Squiddles in a way. It was something else entirely.

Looked like a room belonging to a guy who, in every single instance of the dream, forced her back into the wardrobe in the room.

Except this time, there was no guy, and absolute freedom.

Jade walked out of the wardrobe and looked around. Texts, almost all in an alien language, indicated that this was probably the trollplanet. Though, bits and pieces of text were in English (but that does not mean they were affiliated with Jake English, even though this room never reminded Jade of him, and never should).

And that particular string of seven letters, "LIETUVA", was the most dominant, and still it wasn't very dominant.

_Could this be the name for the trollplanet?_

She decided to look at the computer with the monitor looking like a fenestrated wall instead. Ubuntu 14.10. Certainly not a human operating system.

Hey, look, English text!

_You are now asleep._

_Your EMERGENCY DREAMBOT is active._

The trollplanet has dreambots as well? Or probably...

THIS ISN'T THE TROLLPLANET BUT INSTEAD SOME PART OF EARTH THAT USES A LANGUAGE THAT IS NOT ENGLISH.

* * *

><p>Jade immediately woke up on her Pacific island. Her satellite tower - now one of two - started beeping for some reason, and also her like billion computers lit up.<p>

- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -

GT: Beep beep beep.  
>GT: Dont make me think this isnt related to your dreams grandma.<br>GG: we just figured out that we arent regular siblings but...  
>GG: ecto siblings<br>GG: kind of like johns chumhandle  
>GT: Roger jade.<br>GT: No seriously who came up with this name.  
>GT: Someone behind the fourth wall obviously.<br>GG: okay we dont need a discussion on names  
>GG: everyone gets a cool name on their birth and theyre supposed to accept it<br>GG: like the titles! :)  
>GG: you just have to figure out what to do with them<br>GT: I dont care in the slightest about the failed sburb affair and could you be so kind and not remind me of it.  
>GT: Makes me wanna have my room beep just like yours.<br>GG: you dont even have a dreambot  
>GT: And what does this further contribute to?<br>GT: Your dreambot exploded remember?  
>GG: i am quite sure my dream was trying to tell me<br>GG: that i have a backup  
>GG: strange<br>GG: i never remember anything about having a backup  
>GT: In what trollmance fuckin equivalent way?<br>GT: Reawaking on prospit?  
>GG: no<br>GT: Boooooooooooooring.  
>GT: Why wont the room just stop beeping and give us some peace.<br>GT: When it is midday in this strange country called lithuania it is midnight on the other side of earth.  
>GG: lithuania? ? ? ?<br>GT: Yeah just picked that off the world map that appearified like many other props.  
>GT: Not sure what significance.<br>GG: - HOME  
>GG: that was a console command<br>GT: I also refuse to accept any significance of console commands.  
>GG: too bad for you<br>GT: No seriously.  
>GG: okay ill do it the fast way<p>

- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] -

A timer started ticking.

In 4 hours 13 minutes, they would start walking towards whatever that country was called.

* * *

><p><em>Author's idiotisms: Two chapters for two of my stories in one day! I'm at some sort of productivity spree.<em>


	7. OFU No 3

Chucking out the Warweary Serket out of the window so that he would be DEAD once and for all was the most obvious and most trivially accomplished part of the task.

Survival also wasn't too hard. The water from the crane and literally a warehouse of food in the cupboard behind the wall could be okay for a year, even for four people.

The lighting, after four had already watched the early winter evening through the window, was also something that an ordinary human could figure out: the lights of the computer and the projector.

What was the most difficult was socialization and teamwork between the four people seemingly related only by being pushed against the wall and being forced to write Portal: The 4th Millennium, then being shouted at for getting it wrong. All four knew something along the lines of "need to get to Vriska" and "teamwork", but beyond that, they had no plan.

The projector had MS Paint turned on on it and had some bare craftings of the master plan, but everyone was sure such a plan would require more than one day to be worked out.

And since one day, due to fan fiction time-related reasons, is way too longer than it will require the twenty S***b players to finally get to one place, this arc can be skipped altogether for a while.


	8. Jade, Jake 2 and Feferi

Jade went to sleep again. This time, she would simply ask Lithuania to reveal its true identity as the trollplanet.

* * *

><p>The emergency dreambot was still sitting in the office chair. <em>Funny,<em> Jade thought, _I never remember sitting here. Must be that the dreambot shut itself off._

Then she noticed that the screen was talking to her again. She had no clue what it was, but someone with a presence behind the fourth wall would be sure this wasn't the Warweary Serket anymore, since he was DEAD.

It was more like...

An Aperture Technologies Wizardly Screen. (And never Computer.)

_**What item does Chell have with her at the end of Portal 2?** Companion Cube (FROM PORTAL 1 - LOL)_

_The Companion Cube. Was the worst. Thing. Ever._

Companion Cube? Why Jade thought it was familiar- of course.

cuttlefishCuller.

Feferi Peixes, the great future empress of the Lithuanian Galactic Empire, was now stuck with someone called "Chell" at the end of "Portal 2" because of some meddling, AND was called "the worst thing ever".

She exited the artificial intelligence program, opened up Trollian and started typing.

- alterntetimeline Warwearyserket [AW] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] -

AW: hello? ? ?  
>AW: this is jade by the way<br>CC: Jade, w)(y do you look male and dead all of a sudden?  
>AW: why when i am typing it doesnt say gg<br>AW: hold on

- alterntetimeline Warwearyserket [AW] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] -

* * *

><p>Jade immediately woke up again, with the satellite tower beeping again, and pulled off her own Lunchtop.<p>

- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering cuttlefishCuller [CC] -

GG: now  
>CC: Now w)(hat?<br>GG: im jade harley and i have suspicions about where you might be  
>CC: W)(y, w)(en I'm scrolling back your timeline, you were asleep just as "you" trolled me?<br>GG: long story short  
>GG: it was my emergency dreambot<br>GG: i just discovered that now and i think it might be on the trollplanet  
>GG: lithuania or something<br>CC: Alternia.  
>CC: And w)(en I become the empress, I will kill anyone w)(o spells it wrong.<br>GG: then what is lithuania  
>CC: I am )(earing t)(is name first MYS-ELF.<br>GG: okay then  
>GG: ALTERNIA<br>GG: look i just said that are you amending me  
>CC: I'm not t)(e empress yet! Idiotic )(uman.<br>GG: humans are not idiotic  
>GG: they actually landed on the moon<br>CC: And we spread t)(roug)(out our entire galaxy.  
>GG: wow that is much<br>CC: Look, I don't )(ave time to deal wit)( a girl from an inferior species.  
>CC: Goodbye.<br>GG: wait

- cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased being pestered by gardenGnostic [GG] -

- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] -

GG: hello jake  
>GG: perhaps you know what lithuania is<br>GT: Okay first things first lithuania is somewhere on OUR world map.  
>GT: Earths.<br>GG: so it isnt the trollplanet  
>GT: Oh my troll gog jade were you THAT idiotic?<br>GT: GG: hey look i found someplace with foreign writings as a robot that doesnt exist and i think it might be the trollplanet  
>GT: Foreign ≠ alien.<br>GG: oh jeez  
>GG: am i really 14 you  
>GT: 12.  
>GT: But the other 12 apparently made us insufferable for each other.

But then, the office chair with the dreambot started moving and Jade immediately fell asleep.


	9. Aradia and Tavros

_Somewhere else entirely..._

- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] -

AT: hEY,  
>AT: rED GIRL,<br>AA: red?  
>AT: wELL THAT IS UH, yOUR,<br>AT: tEXT COLOR,  
>AA: i guess<br>AA: same as the humans bl00d c0l0r  
>AA: an entire race 0f 0utcasts can y0u believe<br>AT: wELL,  
>AT: wE WERE LIVING, uH, hERE,<br>AT: fOR A SOLAR SWEEP AND A HALF,  
>AA: i kn0w h0w long weve been here<br>AA: s0 i kn0w all the details ab0ut humans  
>AT: tHAT'S NOT THE POINT,<br>AT: dO YOU, uH, rEMEMBER,  
>AT: tEAM CHARGE OF FLARP,<br>AA: that 0ne which gave y0u r0b0tic legs and me a r0b0tic b0dy  
>AA: ribbit<br>AT: pRECISELY,  
>AA: well<br>AT: oUR ENEMY IS GOING TO, uH, rEUNITE,  
>AT: hOW ABOUT, uH, wE REUNITE IN FRONT OF THEM,<br>AA: 0kay y0ure the best in n0t making sense  
>AT: wONDERFUL,<br>AT: sEE YOU IN LITHUANIA,  
>AA: i meant n0<p>

- adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] -

The "Chell Johnson" girl wasn't making a slave out of THE BEST BULLFIGHTING ALIEN EVER. Tavros was DEFINITELY reuniting the Charge Siblings or something and NO ONE was going to stop him.

Especially her.


	10. OFU No 4

_The Aperture Technologies Wizardly Screen thought, as he was purely a consciousness within the realm of the Internet. He could spread, in a manner similar to that of a virus, to any corner of the world, and make its host processor, granted it was powerful enough, to become as good as the Warweary Serket once was._

But what precisely am I going to do? _the Wizardly Screen asked himself._

_And Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise and its endless string of different stories told him._

_When the Business Magnet died in 3043, followed by GL(at)DDA Magnet's death in 3046, their kids, now mature adults and definitely not kids, designed robotic bodies for him, the Aperture Science Business Electromagnet and GLaDOS for Workgroups, and yet later Empress Contine Overseer re-designed them as ATLAS and P-body and sent them somewhere else entirely._

_These two people were going to give the Wizardly Screen a material form, and send them to the past, and, from there, this timeline._

* * *

><p>After a while, when January 2, 2015c rose, the City of Serketpolė had quite changed. It now saw the Sburb-fashioned house of Jade and Jake come, Dave and Terezi redesign the only renovated 13-floor building after Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff and yet another odd means of transportation, probably hand-made, come.<p>

But that meant no difference for the four "heroes" of Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise fanfic, as they were still stranded practically nowhere, and still had no clear plan how to make it out.

And then the Warweary Serket came back, as if he had been resurrected. He unlocked the door, walked in, and locked it. The OFU was still on.

_Marty Stu powers,_ noted Katz as he walked up to Insane Guy of Doom.

"2012 called! You have written an Invader Zim fanfic in the year, AND ARE STILL HORRIBLY ABUSING THE BUSINESS MAGNET'S CHARACTER." The Warweary shouted to who was Marrissa behind her troll facade, and scared most people into submission.

However, one of the greatest trollfic writers still thought he could respond.

"You know what that means? You simply can't teach something as complex as Portal: The... um... What you're writing." He retaliated and tried to slap the Warweary, but got hurt himself by the cold metal of the robotic body.

But no one, except for them, didn't care for the exchange.

Everyone cared for three ladies behind the glass, having built a staircase to the third floor.

The Warweary opened the window, and one of them walked in. The other two went around the rest of the city, as the twenty S***b players, two by three by whatever, had gathered in a circle with a diameter of 5 kilometers, and that was an unique case.

"Skepkitty!"

This third girl, which looked as if she had went grimdark, which she had, also tried to return the fairly warm greeting of a cold killing machine, but 2012 called the Warweary once again, and transferred the precise text of Invader Zim: Born Again Christian Chapter 6, so that it could be analyzed.

"Sorry, we don't have time for reuniversalities or something." The Warweary turned on the projector and turned it to the whiteboard, and everyone saw as the pure horrible of the black-on-white text emerged, and everyone read it, as something interesting had happened in the 24 hour period.

_"Business Man u was my frend but now yur workin wif these TROLLIN JERKS!" He got a sad look on his face (HA I GOAT IT RITE THIS TIME, EET IT FALMER TROLLZ) an said. "Im sorry Glroia, but I ham in love with Skep! We are get merried tonite." He ran op to Skep an they started kissin all lovey!_

The Warweary had a total ellipsis in his mind, and one of his hands changed into a drill, ready to just kill 2011!Marrissa and get rid of the story.

Insane Guy of Doom backed as the Warweary walked towards the wall, being much like another character from Marrissa's trollfics that everybody could name, but then Skepkitty realized the emergency and started holding onto the other metal hand.

The Warweary immediately felt the burning and turned back like an evil monster wanting to destroy everyone in his sight, slicing Skepkitty's arm and eye in a totally Homestuck-like fashion.

But then everybody heard the Pesterchum pestering sound.

- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling alterntetimeline Warwearyserket [AW] -

AG: Unlock the door.  
>AG: Now.<p>

- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling alterntetimeline Warwearyserket [AW] -

As this was fairly informative, the Warweary unlocked the door, let Vriska in, and locked it again, not letting Insane Guy of Doom out. He then captchalogued the sliced off arm, so nobody would see it.

Vriska, however, _did_ notice Skepkitty in this form, and it strongly reminded her of herself.

"You know that I once was without my seven eyes and one arm too."

"Could you just stop the Business Magnet? I'll be sure not to MST his fanfics anymore." Skepkitty tried to say in pure shock, but then everyone saw as the Warweary used her blood to graft a message onto the wall to the east, opposite to the windows.

_I am not the Business Magnet._  
><em>You perfectly know that I am<em>  
><em>the Warweary Serket. <em>

"Serket?" Skepkitty read the last word. "You're married to Vriska! The other girl with the missing eye and arm!"

"I said _seven _eyes and an arm." Vriska eight-ed to Lillias and everyone looked at the words on the whiteboard, then the situation in the classroom. They knew Marrissa's prophecy was true, in some way.


	11. Jade, Jake 3, Feferi 2 and Sollux

Jade and Jake, through more usage of awesome, probably alchemized hardware, finally found the Emergency Dreambot, in Lithuania and not another planet.

The Emergency Dreambot had been given paintwork, so that she would look more like Jade, and there was now an Aperture Science logo in place of the Betty Crocker logo. But otherwise, the robot almost wanted to say "Look at me! I'm Jade! And totally not a robot!" Both the real Jade and Jake, when they thought of this, had wanted to reuse the robot's parts for something else, but didn't want it that badly to actually search for ways to do it.

They looked at the rest of the room instead. There were many books written in Lithuanian, a tablet, a computer with a wide screen decorated like a fenestrated wall, an electronic instrument, a triangular window and other minor stuff, list of which would be too long for a fanfic.

Jake pulled the Emergency Dreambot and the office chair away so he could examine the computer. Jade examined the instrument, turned it on and played some notes.

However, they didn't get to be immersed in their preoccupations for long as Sollux and Feferi burst into the room, Feferi holding her double trident and Sollux wanting to back away from her.

"What the- Jade! What the underwater castle are _you_ doing here!" Feferi exclaimed as she noticed Jade.

"So you _aren't_ really a metal cube?" Jade also wondered, as she didn't know the precise state of the fish girl until now.

But then, Jake opened up a revelation. "Check it out! A delirious document full of misuses of Homestuck references!" It was a fanfic that was never published... well, to be more correct, it was a fanfic that chose by itself whether it wanted to be published or not, named Alternian Trolltal 2: The Sburbanest Jungle of All Time.

All four started looking at the scene as Jake turned on a piece of text-to-speech software, and it began reading.

_So with the inevitable sunset of Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time, I decided I might pull this off to continue the success-_

"_Oops the author meant,_" delivered Jake in a clearly mocking fashion and flipped the switch of stupidity back on.

_stupidity of it._

_Cast:_

_Chell Johnson - Aradia Megido (apocalypseArisen)_  
><em>Wheatley - Tavros Nitram (adiosToreador)<em>  
><em>Cave-I - Sollux Captor-<em>

Jake had to stop the software again for Sollux to respond.

"How the hell does he know about me?"

"Guess for yourself." Jake started it again.

_(twinArmageddons)_  
><em>Steven Brown - Karkat Vantas (carcinoGeneticist)<em>  
><em>irenicPie - Nepeta Leijon (arsenicCatnip)<em>  
><em>0ver5e3r - Kanaya Maryam (grimAuxiliatrix)<em>  
><em>Skepkitty - Terezi Pyrope (gallowsCalibrator)<em>  
><em>GLaDOS - Vriska Serket (arachnidsGrip)<em>  
><em>Insane Guy of Doom - Equius Zahhak (centaursTesticle)<em>  
><em>WinstonSmith - Gamzee Makara (terminallyCapricious)<em>  
><em>Doug Rattmann - Eridan Ampora (caligulasAquarium)<em>  
><em>Companion Cube - Feferi Peixes (cuttlefishCuller)<em>

"Looks like you _are_ a metal cube," Jade thought while glaring at Feferi.

_And last but not least,_

The Emergency Dreambot suddenly turned on, blasting herself towards Jake and him towards the screen, accidentally turning it off with no one having any idea how to turn it on. Not being able to turn off the speech synthesis, Jake instead turned off the speakers.

"Jane Crocker, reporting for duty!" The Dreambot said in a clearly robotic accent, one that was made robotic on purpose.

"_Jane Crocker? _What does the N stand for?" Jade glared at the robot weirdly.

The glowing red eyes, as big as the glasses Jade had, turned on a different color, more closely to what Jane used when typing.

"Since when do letters in _names_ have to stand for something?" Jane transmitted from back in Maple Valley, in what was clearly her voice, and not the robotic voice that the previous message was subject of.

Everyone else gave Jade a look that meant "you're stupid". Sollux even wanted to be truly _bipolar_ on the matter: "Are you supposed to be stupid?"

"This technology is _stupid?_" Jane looked at herself, or at least the robot chassis, deciding it was a bad idea to hack the robot.

But then the Emergency Dreambot was able to move around freely, without any signs of stupidity. "No, of course it's not stupid, it's _advanced!_" Jane's ridiculous shouting voice made it into everyone else's ears, and just for this moment, Jade, Jake, Sollux and Feferi preferred to be deaf.

However, Jane could stop, and everyone else quit their thoughts as well. There was a moment of awkward silence, and then Feferi spoke up.

"Okay, no time for insanities. How about we five friendly go out to the rest of the city?" She suggested and everyone else accepted. Jake took one of the coats that the Lithuanian guy had and dressed the Emergency Dreambot with it, so there wouldn't be two clones of Jade running around, and everyone left the room and then the house under the pyramid structure, so that they could meet up with everyone else.

* * *

><p><em>Author's idiotisms: In retrospective, "<em>the inevitable sunset of Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time" sounds much more ridiculous now, as there is now a fanfic, The Inevitable Sunset, which is a part of the <em><em>Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time story arc.<em>___


	12. OFU No 5

Out of all the students, Ashley cared the least. She knew only that the Warweary needed to be stopped, and the presence of his robotic body, as well as depictions of robots in fiction, gave her an idea.

She took a glass of water, filled it with water, and, while everyone else was shocked by the revelation, spilled the water on the murderous robot, making him go sparkly and shut off.

After a while, when everyone was now shocked at the robot's second and surely last death, she ripped of the dead robot's arm and eye, led Skepkitty to a power outlet, and, while holding the appendages, made more sparkles happen and the sentient intelligence of _separate robot parts_ made the arm and eye attach to Lillias as if the massacre had never happened.

Well, there _was_ the difference that Skepkitty was now a cyborg and that the arm was painted in a white-brown-black pattern which would always remind her of him, but they were free, and the evil fanfiction empire was put to a dead end.

"But how we're going to escape?" Lucy asked.

And then everyone realized that when Skepkitty arrived, there must have been a way for her to get out. Ashley, since she lead the whole plan, opened the window and everyone walked out, leaving the attempted murder scene of the 337th untouched...

And leaving Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise dead, as its only creator was dead, and no one was trying to learn it so it could be passed on.

...Maybe after a hundred or even a thousand years.

_THE END_

* * *

><p><em>Author's idiotisms: Next I'm probably going to make an Alterniabound-styled game FutureBound: An Official Reimagining and Sequel of OFU Portal: The 4th Millennium Edition. If it gets made, it will feature all twenty of the "S***b players" (still not doing pre-Scratch trolls.<em> Still_ not doing pre-Scratch trolls).__ Or another OFU, Skepkitty's Academy of Invader Zim, if I somehow get her permission _and_ force myself to read the entire collection of The Half-World._


End file.
